‘Royds solicitors keep fit and have fun with five-a-side football in Green Park’

The dribbling skills honed in boyhood clearly came in handy for the male half of the participants although arguably Alex’s Year 2 ballet lessons gave her high kicks a kind of grace not even Roberto Rivelino could surpass.

The pros Paul and Stephen shrewdly can not only actually play football but carried out a series of tactical calls which meant they both seemed to know what the other was doing – sneaky.

Frank’s initial desire to keep order and play by some rules was soon filed for another day and while he had concerns about having not played since the days of a leather lace up ball he did an outstanding job playing uphill much of the time thanks to our pitch which sat at approximately 5 %.

Playing in goal, Cheryl received man of the match (no PC gender neutrality here) although she has some work to do before she pulls off a Rene Higuita Scorpion save – that said I’d like to see him play like that in high heels.

While on the subject of the team’s wardrobe (this is a female author after all) it was good to see Chris playing in his suit (trouble when he gets home with grass stains on that one…) and he was even game enough to play barefoot.

Mark quietly put away a series of goals beaten only by the youth of the pack Tim, who scored so many goals we lost count. Lucy, still carrying injuries from the Extreme 5 a few weeks ago, deftly ducked and dived, dodged and weaved, sometimes even with the football at her feet. Helen’s enthusiasm and desire to extend the length of the pitch was soon quelled after one sprint up the far side and Fiona did nothing but make a lot of noise, kick Paul in the shins and caused a passing two year old, who simply wanted to join in, cry. Nice.

On reflection the rules were minimalist to say the least. Having carried out some research we may want to lay down some guiding principles for the next match. It seems the Football Association considers disciplinary action is required:

If a player commits any of the following offences in a manner considered by

the referee to be careless, reckless or using excessive force:

• attempts to kick or trip an opponent.

• jumps at, pushes, holds or charges an opponent (even with the shoulder).

• strikes or attempts to strike an opponent.

• spits at an opponent.

• slides in an attempt to play the ball when it is being played or attempted to be played by an opponent (sliding tackle).

• handles the ball deliberately, except for the goalkeeper in his penalty area.

While it should be made very clear there was absolutely no spitting nor Wayne Rooney style foul language, the same can not necessarily be said for the other noted infringements - and that was just the girls…

Thanks to everyone that made the effort to come and join in. All those that genuinely had work to do or went home to watch Coronation Street missed out. Till next time.